Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tubesocks hung empty, no candy or toys,
And I was camped out in my old La-Z-Boy.
The kids, they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their life.
Well my wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard, the dogs started barkin'
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws,
And I got a complaint here from a fella named Claus."
"Claus? I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the sheriff, he said, "The man was shot at last night."
And I said, "Well, that might have been me,
Just what's he look like?"

"Well, he's a jolly old fella with a big beer-gut belly
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long white beard and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister, Sherry."
"It's no time for jokes, Roy," the sheriff he said,
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done and tell me what you've seen."
Well, I started to lie then I thought, "What the hell,
Wouldn't be the first time I'd spent New Year's in jail."

I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
I thought that my wife had been drinking again.
When she walked in from work she was white as a ghost.
I thought, "Maybe she'd seen one of them UFOs."
But she said a bunch of deer had just flown over her head
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
Well, I ran out to look, and the sight made me shutter.
A freezer full of innocence standing right on Red's gutter.

Well, my hands were shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
When out of Red's chimney this fella did run,
And flung on his back was a bag overflowing.
I thought, "He's stolen Red's stuff while Red was out bowling."
So I yelled, "Drop it, Fat Boy! Hands up in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care,
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well, he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assult with intent, Roy. I'll see you in court!"